Uncertainty

Doubt is one of those inevitable parts of life I wouldn't mind living without. Lacking the traits of omniscience and infallibility, there's always a chance that I could be wrong - about God, the nature of reality, my strongly held opinions, or even whether taking that shortcut will actually get me home sooner.

Doubt is also one of those things that I hate admitting to, since it potentially creates an opportunity for anyone who may view me as an adversary to leap in for the kill, like a lion on a wounded gazelle. And yet to deny that I experience doubt is to be dishonest and no better than anyone else who claims to have all the answers to everything.

About the only thing I feel pretty confident about is the existence of the God I claim to have a relationship with (though I do sometimes question my lack of questioning on that particular point). Everything else, from the nature of said God to my perceptions of Him to the reliability of the Bible to anything and everything the church has ever said, is subject to periodic reexamination.

And really, what need would we have for faith if absolute certainty were possible in this lifetime? The process of acknowledging those doubts and asking difficult questions (as often as needed) gives us the opportunity to make corrections to our beliefs when necessary, and to strengthen those convictions that deserve strengthening.

Some years ago in a Bible study, our group leader asked us how certain we were of God's existence. I answered 98% - and aside from the one relatively new Christian in the group, I was the only person there who didn't say 100%. Nobody made an issue of it at the time, but later on another group member approached me and asked why my confidence level was so low, as if being only 98% certain was tantamount to being agnostic. When did it become a bad thing for a Christian to admit to being fallible?

As counterintuitive as it may seem, I experience less anxiety and insecurity than I did back when I dutifully avoided rocking the boat and kept my questions to myself. There may be other factors that are more directly responsible for my current confidence level, but in any case admitting to doubt seems to be healthier than denying it.

And the questions never completely go away. What if life really is nothing more than a product of random chance? What if this whole journey that I find myself on is a trip in the wrong direction? What if God really will cast me into hell if my beliefs don't line up exactly with whichever denomination is lucky enough to have it all right? What if nobody really likes me and I'm just kidding myself when I claim to have friends?

Okay, that last one doesn't last long under even the most casual scrutiny, but even my sillier doubts can represent opportunities to press into God and ask (for the millionth time) what he thinks of them and what (if anything) I should be doing differently.

Not that I spend all (or even most) of my waking hours second-guessing myself, of course; there is a time for stepping out in faith, even though one can never be 100% certain of the outcome. But there's also a time for reflection and for refusing to take anything for granted, no matter who told you what, how strongly they believe it or how many biblical proof texts they can line up behind it.

Exodus would tell us to "question homosexuality." I agree, but don't stop there. Question Exodus, too (whether they want you to or not). And then question everything else you've ever been told. God is not fragile; he can handle our scrutiny. Any deity who can't tolerate the questions of his/her/its/their followers isn't worthy of devotion.